Andrew Klavan

Despite her naïve smugness, Zegler is a product of the same degraded culture in which you also live. Here's how we take it back.

Trust in the news media has dropped so far that after people watch Margaret Brennan on “Face the Nation,” they check their wrist to make sure she hasn’t stolen their watch. A new Gallup poll shows that 53% of Americans believe journalists are two-faced, lying dirtbags who have sunk so low they could walk under ...

Some people feel that the news media reacted to Trump’s tariff strategy like an hysterical woman who imagines she saw a mouse in her bedroom and leaps up onto a chair shrieking insanely until her husband rushes out of the bathroom where he’s been locked away with his iPad for the last two hours and ...

Ryan Girdusky discusses the modern-day ramifications of open-border immigration policies in Western countries.

If we wish to make America a wealthier country, we must establish a new set of cultural priorities. Instead of worshiping at the altar of profit, we must seek God above all.

In an act of heroic defiance against the oppressive tyranny of Donald Trump, the leadership of Harvard University has bravely declared that, no matter what pressure Trump brings against them, they will not surrender their constitutional right to be the worst people in the country. The conflict between the university and the administration began after ...

I believe that America’s core ideals are very much linked to its Christian faith. So as Easter has just passed, I thought this would be a good time to take a closer look at the state of the American church and then weep quietly and say it was a great country while it lasted. Now, ...

Democrats have been trying to come up with a fresh, original way to express their political positions and this week they finally found one: a sit-in! An idea so fresh and original, no one has thought of it since 1968, when leftism was still cool — because everyone was taking hallucinogens, so not only was ...

To prove that Donald Trump is a very mean person while journalists are totally compassionate and loving, CNN has aired a sympathetic interview with a member of a Mexican drug cartel. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you marvelous merchant of magical mirth, only you could invent a scenario in which a Left-wing news outlet sinks so deeply into the bubbling tarpit of its own twisted political hatred that the lunatic idea of legitimizing a death-mongering gangster could wend its way through every level of internal decision-making without one voice of even semi-decency speaking up to say, “Wait, wait, we can’t allow our childish demonization of our political opponents to twist our souls into gnarled burnt offerings fit only for the altars of hell so that we actually call evil good and good evil right there on cable TV in front of our six or seven viewers.”But no, my friends, I am not making this up.CNN girl reporter Shapely Nudnick actually traveled to a Mexican hideout where she spoke sympathetically with a masked member of the Sinaloa Drug Cartel, whose former boss El Chapo was said to be personally responsible for the deaths of over 34,000 people.Ms. Nudnick, winner of this year’s Pulitzer prize for most attractive backside, fetchingly leaned forward and asked the masked gangster – and as God is my witness, I am not making this up, “According to the Trump Administration, you are a terrorist … What do you make of that?”The masked member of the murderous cartel responded, “I don’t like to get overly emotional because my job depends on inspiring terror in anyone who tries to stand in my way, but I must be honest and tell you this slur from your President Trump hurt my feelings very deeply. I am just a man trying to make a living in this crazy world, and when I heard I had been labeled a terrorist, my hands were literally shaking so hard I could barely shove a screwdriver into the face of one of my rivals. I respect President Trump, and respect is very important because people who don’t return my respect are often found inside plastic bags in several different locations. But a man must eat and, to be fair, our customers are mostly in the United States and as any good businessman will tell you, you have to go where the customers are and then slowly poison them to death. I hope the American people will push back against this insult, and if they don’t, I know where they live.”The Andrew Klavan Show CNN has proudly announced that this interview is only the first in a new series of self-degrading acts of pure evil that will appear over the course of the Trump Presidency, and they’ve been airing tantalizing previews of future episodes. In one clip, Shapely Nudnik bravely travels to an undisclosed elementary school to interview a pedophile teacher who says, “I think it’s very cruel for people to demonize someone they don’t even know with ugly words like pervert and evil scum-sucking hell-fiend. I just thank heavens I belong to a teachers’ union where they support the idea that minor attracted persons can work at an elementary school. After all, that’s where the children are, not to mention the porn.” In another clip, Miss Nudnick scores an interview with former Nazi torture doctor Joseph Mengele who says, “It’s true I used to perform grotesque and unspeakable medical experiments on children, but I’ve totally reformed, and now I’m supplying kids with gender affirming care, because I’ve had a lot of practice, and that’s what I’m good at.” In other Left-wing media news, the Pulitzer committee has awarded its prize for photography to a picture of a bullet flying at President Trump’s head. Committee Chairman Thaddeus Foul-heart said, “We know that other photo of a wounded Trump raising his fist with the American flag in the background is the single most iconic image of the first quarter of this century, but that photo inspired love and admiration for our president, whereas we were rooting for the bullet.”* * *This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavanKlavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

Recently, the news stories in the media have been coming so fast and furious they’re almost like a group of muscular bald men driving hot cars out of airplanes, landing them on top of other cars, and then driving away at high speed while firing a rocket launcher out the window… because they’re fast and… well, never mind.Anyway, I began to wonder: how can the news media report all this news in a way that reflects the outlooks of Americans everywhere across this great land, from the pine forests of Vermont to the golden wheat fields of Kansas, across the vast expanses of Texas to the sun-baked beaches of the Pacific Coast? So I decided I would take a look at the headlines of news outlets from 40th Street in Manhattan all the way to 47th Street — because that’s about all of them.So for instance, in the news, inflation slowed to its lowest rate in more than four years.Here’s the headline from The Wall Street Journal: “Trump’s Tariffs to Cause Massive Inflation Very, Very Soon, Experts Who Predicted Massive Inflation Because of Trump’s Tariffs Very Soon Say.”The Andrew Klavan ShowHere’s One From The New York Times: “Hardworking Migrant Juan Ortega May Lose His Chicken Farm as Trump’s Policies Cause the Bottom to Fall Out of Egg Prices.”And here’s the Report from NPR: “How Lower Inflation Spurred the Rise of Hitler,” a historical report read by a person with a very soft, sleepy voice that will make you want to hurt yourself just to make it stop.Another news story: Trump negotiated a ceasefire between hostile nuclear powers India and Pakistan.From The Wall Street Journal: “Nuclear Devastation Averted, Leaving Millions Alive to Suffer Massive Inflation Very Soon Because of Donald Trump’s Tariffs, Experts who Predicted Massive Inflation Very Soon Because of Donald Trump’s Tariffs Say.”Or from The New York Times: “Environmentalists Worry that Trump’s Reckless Actions on the Indian Subcontinent Will Leave Earth’s Population at Levels Sure to Cause Devastating Climate Change.”Or the story as reported by NBC News: “Biden’s Policy of Mindlessly Prolonging Foreign Wars to No Effect Finally Pays Big Dividends by Bringing Peace Deal Between India and Pakistan.”In other news, Trump negotiated the release of Edan Alexander, the last living American hostage being held by vampiric Palestinian monsters.The headline in The Wall Street Journal reads: “Released Hostage Finds Himself in a World Soon to be Wracked by Massive Inflation Caused by Trump’s Tariffs, According to Experts.”The New York Times headline was: “Sad Little Palestinian Boy Jihad Muhammed Sharia Jihad Jihad Muhammed Sheds Sad Tears of Very Sad Sadness as Genocidal Israelis Steal the Wonderful Friend his Parents Kept Chained up for Him in the Basement.”And of course, CNN featured an interview with a Columbia University professor who once read part of a book on Israel and says the Jews sound genocidal to him until Scott Jennings knocks him unconscious and jumps up and down on his face.Then there was the news that Donald Trump had negotiated several trillion dollars in American investment from Saudi Arabia.The Wall Street Journal reported the story with the headline: “Saudis Want to Invest in America but Whoa Nellie, Just Wait Till They See the Massive Inflation that’s Going to be Caused by Trump’s Tariffs Any Day Now, Experts Say.”The Headline in The New York Times reads: “Sad Yale Historian Who Studies Fascism Says He Is Leaving America Because Trump’s Presidency Will Look Just Like Fascism as Soon as It Looks Like Fascism.”And CBS reported: “Weak Trump Caves to Saudi Demands that he take their Money.”In other news, Trump struck a deal with China to free us from their hammerlock on our supply lines, brought down drug prices, bombed the Houthis into submission, opened U.K. markets to American farmers, made progress on a nuclear deal with Iran, and the headlines say….. oh, screw it.***This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavanKlavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).