The Onion

NEW YORK CITY—Touting the discovery as a breakthrough in understanding the behavioral patterns of the insects, Rockefeller University researchers published a study Friday revealing that mosquitos are more attracted to people branded with the Mosquito God's rune of punishment. “After several rounds of clinical trials with a control group, we can confirm that anyone marked by the imprint of suffering from Ranggnarr, The God of Mosquitos, is far more likely to be bitten by the insect deity's loyal worshippers,” said Entomology Department Head Marcus Falwell, advising Americans who plan on spending time outdoors to cover any exposed skin that was singed with righteous flames by the Supreme Winged Being as penance for crimes against mosquito-kind. “We have found that the bright colors emanating from the ominous glow of the rune will transform people into mosquito magnets, causing a primal force inside the pests to compel them to torment the branded subjects on behalf of their ancestor's suffering during the Dreadful Squashing.” Falwell also cautioned anyone who worshipped false mosquito idols during the last equinox to wear long sleeves as a precautionary measure.

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) will be facing James Talarico (D) in the race for a U.S. Senate seat this November. Here's everything you need to know about the Republican candidate.

The oldest soccer ball in the world, believed to be 500 years old, will be on display for the first time in the United States, traveling all the way to Miami from Scotland. What do

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are reportedly tying the knot this summer. The Onion shares everything we know about the big day so far.

Travis Kelce Utters 2 Syllables Of Wedding Venue Name Before Tranq Dart Strikes Neck

SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming that the character would have been depicted as a titillating working breed if it weren't for the “woke mob,” DC fans reportedly

FLUSHING, NY—Asserting that it was the least the franchise could do to reward the loyal fanbase that had stuck with the team through so many ups and downs, local Mets fan Paul Sutera told reporters Friday that all he was asking for was one fucking season where they win every single game they play. “I'm not sure if it's a coaching problem or mostly the players' fault, but would it kill these goddamn deadbeats to go 162-0 once in their fucking lives?” asked the 42-year-old diehard, adding that it didn't seem unreasonable to expect the Mets to get their shit together for once and string together a few months of baseball where they win every game by a huge margin, every pitcher throws multiple no-hitters, and they never once disappoint him in any way. “I mean, I'm not asking for the world here! I've been rooting for these bums since I was 4 years old, and I literally want one simple thing: for the Mets to just walk onto the field, hit 30 or 40 home runs every game, strike out all 27 opposing batters, play flawless defense, and never lose even one time—oh, and also win the World Series in four games with a combined score of 300-0. The fact that they can't even be bothered to do that just shows they don't give a shit about their fans.” At press time, Sutera conceded that he would be okay with the Mets losing eight or nine games each season as long as they won every World Series for the next 50 years.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Admitting that the vast gulf between media depictions and reality had come as a total shock, German World Cup fan Fabian Lindemann told reporters Friday that he could not believe how different the real United States was from the country's depiction in the 2006 Pixar film

WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns about the charged, inflammatory rhetoric used to promote the 16-day exposition, local prize hog Benny “Big Bones”Carmichael announced Friday that he would be dropping out of the Great American State Fair due to the event's political nature. “After carefully reviewing the circumstances under which the Freedom 250 festivities are taking place, I must respectfully decline the president's invitation to perform,” wrote Carmichael in a post to his Instagram followers, adding that he had been “misled” about the celebration's nonpartisan tone and could not in “good conscience” associate his name, likeness, and award-winning weight with the project. “Hog competitions are one of the last bastions of civility in our increasingly divided nation, and I won't risk alienating large portions of the swine show community by participating in an ideologically driven event. Every American, regardless of their views, should feel comfortable watching me roll around in mud and walk around the ring. To stay true to my values, I must say no to this offer.” Carmichael added that he would immediately return his advance of 4,000 acorns to the fair organizers.

CHICAGO—Stunning longtime fans with its climactic conclusion, FX series The Bear reportedly ended Friday with a continuous 45-minute shot of