Jerry Thornton

All you had to do was look at the NFL schedule when it was released back in May to know it was going to take a lot for the Patriots to become the center of the national conversation the way they used to. Nothing screams "irrelevance" like Sundays at 1, getting the last broadcast crews on the networks' depth charts, and only being seen in certain regions. The best they could reasonably hope for is the occasional appearance in the Quad Box on NFL Red Zone, and maybe people saying good things about our shiny new object, Drake Maye. Beyond that, the 2024 Pats were doomed to be the weird kid with cooties who eats with the lunch lady because no one wants him at the cool kids table with Kansas City and Buffalo.

Things to consider while acknowledging Dave doing a pizza review at our favorite townie bar right down the street from where we grew up on the very day we waked my brother is no coincidence; it's

Like it says in the Good Book (and I'm paraphrasing here), no one can be a prophet in their own land.

This trade of Josh Uche for what amounts to basically a trade chip in the next draft could be taken as a sign of a few different things. I'm sure some will paint it as evidence the Patriots are tanking. There are no doubt talk show hosts in Boston arguing it's further proof of their premise Mr. Kraft won't spend money. Some may argue it's Jerod Mayo sending a message no one is safe or something.

I wish no ill will toward Gisele Bundchen. Sure, she Yoko Ono'ed greatest, most successful, longest-running collaboration in the history of sports.

I'd be lying if I said I'm not doing keg stands on a big barrel of Giants Schadenfreude Oktoberfest right now. And it's not like anyone would be buying it if I tried, so I won't bother.As much as I've...

It was only a matter of time before the newest Tom Brady action figure, Fox Analyst Tom, offended somebody.

Ordinarily I would never use the awesome power of the platform I am given here to endorse a candidate for public office. The vast majority of the time, that would be a dereliction of my duty to my employers. The nice multi-hundreds-millionaire who owns this place has the Fuck You money to talk politics. But that water-view roof deck I'm planning on Stately Thornton Manor is going to require financing.

Many have tried to claim the throne of Halloween. Charlie Brown. Jack Skellington. David S. Pumpkins. The Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror" series. Adam Sandler. Every single sitcom episode where there's a party and everyone is in improbably perfect, Hollywood-quality costumes and nobody halfasses it. Even, back in the old days,

Things to consider while getting the "We're No. 1" foam finger out of the back of the closet:--I'm going to have to make this short. The Spark Notes version of a Knee Jerk Reaction, because my heart's...