Joe Rumrill

Local 36-year-old loser Ryan Buttermyer reportedly maintained a heroic ten-minute wait period before confirming he’d be at a party, despite having absolutely nothing happening in his sad little life otherwise.

The audience of a recent Terry and the Tire Irons show consisted of apathetic young folk punks who’s attention was glued to their soup cans connected by string, frustrated sources confirmed with a “dagnabbit.”

Participants of a weekly karaoke night cringed in disbelief as a local businessman’s booze-fueled “We Didn’t Start the Fire” teetered on the brink of turning into “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” at any second.

All 12 attendees of a sold-out harsh noise show were reportedly oblivious to the blaring fire alarm meant to notify them the building was on fire, sources confirmed amidst the uproar.

Mets fans were encouraged to “strap in” this past weekend when the stadium organist treated them to an impromptu and seemingly endless rendition of the Velvet Underground’s “Sister Ray.”

Members of longtime garage-punk outfit The Gargantuans, known for switching instruments between songs, ruined a show by all landing on the same bass at the same time, a gawking gaggle of looky-loos confirmed.

A frenzied man was pursued by an entire cage of gorillas after they took too strong a liking to his shirt festooned with the recognizable banana-based cover art of “The Velvet Underground and Nico.”

A local canine owner was stunned to see that his neighborhood’s dog park was completely overrun by opossums owned by dedicated members of the punk community.

A longtime inhabitant of the drywall space behind the practice area of indie garage band Oyster Boys audibly requested a song at the risk of revealing himself.

Two former strangers seated together on a Megabus ride found common ground through despising the Eagles despite one referring to the band and the other the football team.