Ryan Syrek

They say in real life, just before a tornado hits you, you hear a freight train. In Twisters, just before a tornado hits you, you hear Shania Twain. That’s the only way in which movie tornadoes are worse.

With five credited writers using characters from several dozen films spanning three major movie studios, Deadpool & Wolverine ’sscript reads more like a hostage negotiation. Disney and Marvel wanted the raunchy R-rated revenue from the Deadpool franchise without sullying its future financials from family-friendly franchise fare. The compromise is Deadpool & Wolverine, a collection of scenes that people thought would be fun, loosely duct taped together, having nothing to do at all with the actual Marvel cinematic universe.

Filled with a cornucopia of stabby weapons, Kill is a cut below classic violence ballets like The Raid. Provided you are a fan of clean, clear, close-quarters combat, that’s just fine. You don’t have to be the best at something to be tasty doing it, right Mr. Pibb?

Don’t let the setting fool you. Sugarcane may take place in Canada, but the bloody crime scene fingerprints track all the way here to Nebraska. The documentary is a haunting, wildly upsetting attempt to hold the Catholic Church to account for its mistreatment of Native American populations. “Good luck with that,” says several thousand years of history.

Watching a wide swath of folks recently realize that both Prometheus and Alien: Covenant are actually fantastic is enough to put a smile on both mouths of a xenomorph. If we spent more time applauding when folks change their minds instead of lording superiority over having been “right” earlier than others, maybe people wouldn’t treat every single opinion like an article of faith nailed to a church door. At any rate, can we at least all immediately agree that Alien: Romulus is a textbook entry for the franchise, for better and for worse?

There is a novella’s worth of text put on the screen at opening of Strange Darling, each piece more maddening then the next.

For the last 20 years or so, the phrase “from director Tim Burton” was more warning than promise. When reading it on a movie poster, the voice in my head sounded exactly like someone who narrates a prescription drug commercial. “Do not watch if you’re allergic to pale people, crooked architecture, or Johnny Depp.” What a shock to find that Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is fairly hilarious and genuinely charming.

Rap rock is less “music” and more “warning.” If you hear it, you’d best run. Best-case scenario is that you’re about to get into an unpleasant political discussion. Worst-case scenario is that you’re about to watch The Killer’s Game. From the rap rock song that opens the movie to laughable CGI blood and gratuitously obvious continuity errors, everything around Dave Bautista here is either repellent or lame. Sorry, big guy. We have all talked about it, and everyone likes you! Just, you know, not this thing.

The Substance Is the Grossest Movie of the Year. I Loved It!

With lush animation and featuring Pedro Pascal as a talking fox, The Wild Robot will only be disliked by sociopaths and the mudgiest of curmudgeons.