Skyler Higley

WASHINGTON—Turning the page on what they acknowledged was a painful chapter in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced Friday they had decommissioned and removed the last Confederate satellite from Earth’s orbit. “A vital part of the Confederacy’s fight to preserve slavery, these Civil War­ military…

JERUSALEM—Struggling not to betray their surprise at the large, crustacean-like appendages being waved around by the Son of God, people currently witnessing the Second Coming were apparently just going to pretend they already knew Jesus had crab claws for hands, sources reported Friday. “Nobody wants to bring it up,…

WASHINGTON—Saying she was taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm down after boarding her flight to Dubai for the COP28 climate conference, sources reported Friday that Vice President Kamala Harris was nervous about flying on a plane for the first time. “Okay, it should be fine, it’s all fine, I know it’s…

PALMYRA, SYRIA—In what turned out to be the final discovery within their field of study, the world’s archaeologists celebrated Tuesday after one of them used a brush to dust off a stone fragment, revealing an ancient certificate that congratulated them on finding all the stuff. “When we translate the Sumerian…

WASHINGTON—Wiping their brows as they pushed through hour after hour of hard, honest work, the nation’s politicians confirmed Tuesday that they were exhausted from another long day of tirelessly serving the will of the people. “Between listening carefully to our constituents and then doing everything in our power to…

BURBANK, CA—Delving into the eccentric character’s backstory to explain how he became so famous, a new prequel from Warner Bros. tells the tale of a young Willy Wonka using his rich father’s money to purchase an already-successful chocolate factory, which he renames after himself. “Wonka is the origin story of the…

SALT LAKE CITY—Displaying his ignorance in a misguided and failed attempt to sound cool, local white coworker Dan Tibbs, who has lately tried to incorporate Black slang into his vocabulary, was reportedly misusing the N-word on Monday. “He keeps trying to use it in emails, but he’s totally doing it the wrong way, and…

CHICAGO—Despite the expectation of honesty implicit in the journey of healing from addiction, anonymous sources reported Tuesday that lying to a sponsor is actually very easy. “They ask you questions to check on your progress, but you can totally just lie, no problem,” said a man leaving a meeting in the basement of…

NEW YORK—Panicking in the wake of a would-be groundbreaking surgical procedure, an eye transplant recipient reportedly began shrieking Tuesday after doctors accidentally implanted his new eye facing inward toward his brain. “Oh my God, where am I, and what’s all that gooey stuff?!” eye transplant recipient Leonard…

Beyond Country: Forthcoming Beyoncé Albums in Surprising Genres After months of anticipation, Cowboy Carter has finally arrived.