Chad Nackers

Tesla recently sought shareholder approval to restore Elon Musk’s $56 billion pay package, which was rejected by a Delaware judge. The Onion asked Tesla fans to explain why Elon Musk deserves the $56 billion payout.

The House Ethics Committee has reportedly interviewed witnesses about Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) attending a house party with minors, alcohol, and illicit drugs. The Onion asked teenagers what it was like to party with Matt Gaetz, and this is what they said.

Recent reports have indicated that a number of female fans are thirsting over the Ghoul. The Onion asked women to explain why they are attracted to Walton Goggins’ mutant character in the new TV series Fallout, and this is what they said.

A district in Virginia recently reversed its decision to change two schools’ names, reinstating their previous Confederate names on the grounds that it had been a hastily made decision in reaction to the Black Lives Matter movement. The Onion weighs the pros and cons for any schools considering a similar rebranding.

Diversity, equity and inclusion, or DEI, programs have been under attack by conservatives who think that their efforts to assist historically marginalized groups come at the expense of the majority. However, there is substantial misinformation circulating about what DEI programs are meant to do. The Onion breaks down…

JoJo Siwa, a singer, dancer, and social media personality who rose to fame for her kid-focused music and partnership with Nickelodeon, has recently tried to break away from her family-friendly past and debut a more adult persona now that she is 21. But there have been growing pains associated with her new “bad girl”…

​Brush Teeth With Greek Yogurt: It’s just a dollop on your toothbrush, but you’ll still swallow a bit of protein-rich yogurt instead of protein-free, cavity-fighting toothpaste.

Chicago is hosting the 2024 Democratic National Convention in August. The Onion examines everything the city is doing ahead of the DNC.

WASHINGTON—As part of a new nationwide etiquette initiative, a dialect coach was reportedly hired Wednesday to class up the American public before its big date with a wealthy man. “Enunciate! For God’s sake, enunciate!” barked the elocution professional, who grew more and more incensed, rubbing his face with the palms of his hands as he attempted to teach the nation to say “I’ll have a mineral water, please” with a General American accent. “Again, Boston, again! We have less than 24 hours before Richard’s driver arrives to pick you up, and this is what I have to work with? And Kentucky, you sound preposterous. Do you think he’s ever going to fall in love with you if you keep speaking like a yokel?” At press time, reports confirmed the horrified dialect coach had called in an etiquette coach after witnessing Chicago pick up a filet mignon with its bare hands and start chomping down.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Insisting repeatedly that they just didn’t have the space, physical therapy practice Elite Recovery politely declined New York Giants quarterback Daniel Jones’ offer Friday of a framed and signed game-worn jersey for the wall. “That’s so nice of you, and we wish we could put it up, but unfortunately, as you can see, our walls are already pretty full,” said physical therapist Courtney Bellingham, gesturing to walls sparsely adorned with jerseys from a New York Riptide lacrosse goalie, a Trenton Thunder minor league catcher, and a local high school basketball player. “We really appreciate the offer, though. It’s so sweet. You know what? We can just hold onto it and keep it in the back, and if we ever expand our offices, we can put it up then.” At press time, after waiting to make sure the Giants quarterback had left the premises, Bellingham reportedly took the framed jersey and quietly tossed it in a dumpster behind the office.