Sirhan Sirhan

SAN FRANCISCO—As front-office executives surveyed the damage done to their record-keeping facility, Major League Baseball announced Monday that it had lost millions of stats Monday in a devastating warehouse blaze. “It is with a heavy heart that I share today the news of an accidental fire that has reduced to ash the millions of baseball statistics we have collected over more than a century,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, explaining that all players and teams, past and present, had been stripped of their titles and records, none of which could be independently verified without the lost data. “These were unfortunately the only copies of many of these stats that we had, meaning there is no hope of recovering the historic slugging percentages, earned run averages, or win-loss records of your favorite teams and players. Sadly, we no longer have any idea who has the most career home runs or no-hitters, and any theory as to why Babe Ruth, Willie Mays, or Pedro Martinez were so highly regarded is now squarely in the domain of speculation.” At press time, Manfred paid tribute to the brave souls who lost their lives attempting to save the stats for the 2003 Detroit Tigers.

OMAHA, NE—Subliminally influencing those who have purchased the 1971 album to sit back and enjoy the music, a hidden message discovered Wednesday when local heavy metal fans played Black Sabbath’s Master Of Reality backward reportedly urges everyone to have a good time listening to rock and roll. “Hey there, friends,…

TAMPA, FL—Explaining that his plate was positioned perpendicular to, rather than parallel with, his mouth, local man Dominic Worley told reporters Thursday that his delight at being served breakfast in bed was greatly mitigated by the difficulty of eating while horizontal. “Naturally, I was thrilled to wake up and discover a platter of fresh, hot pancakes had been placed before me, but before long I realized it would be nearly impossible to eat them lying down,” said Worley, who added that he couldn’t get the pancakes into his mouth without dripping syrup all over his pillow, nearly choked while trying to swallow the scrambled eggs, and had no choice but to eat the sausage link with his hands, as if it were a candy bar. “Don’t get me wrong, it was really kind of them to prepare this incredible breakfast spread and bring it up to me, but the logistics of the whole thing were just— Have you tried drinking hot coffee while flat on your back? Can’t be done. Ruined the whole morning.” At lunch time, Worley had managed to roll over onto his side and found the position to be remarkably effective for eating tacos.

WASHINGTON—Warning that interior defenses were spread too thin, experts confirmed this week that Team USA’s arrival in France for the Olympics had left America’s own basketball rims largely unguarded. “In a strategic blunder of historic proportions, the U.S. men’s national basketball team landing in Paris has left an…

SAN FRANCISCO—Pointing out that most of them don’t even own a professional sports team, local billionaire Felix Stacey gave his millionaire friends credit Monday for keeping him humble. “It’s easy to become out of touch when you have billions and billions of dollars, but I can always count on my millionaire friends to keep me grounded,” said Stacey, explaining that hanging out with salt-of-the-earth millionaires who live simple lives in unassuming mansions helped him stay connected to his hardscrabble roots as the son of a CFO who toiled for a multinational conglomerate. “My advice to anyone who finds themselves with a billion dollars is to surround yourself with people who won’t let you forget the gated subdivision you came from. Every time I take my superyacht for granted, my friends are there to remind me that some people only have sailing yachts.” At press time, sources confirmed Stacey’s centibillionaire acquaintances were totally uninterested in remaining humble.

WASHINGTON—Providing long-awaited insight into the attempted assassin’s mental state, a report released Monday found that gunman Thomas Matthew Crooks googled “How to be an enigma” before trying to kill former President Donald Trump. “After reviewing the shooter’s browser history, we have discovered several searches for phrases such as ‘cultivating mystery’ and ‘tips for becoming and remaining unknowable,’” said federal investigator Terrance Jepson, noting that Crooks also appeared to have bookmarked WikiHow pages like “10 Steps To Transform Yourself Into An Inscrutable Paradox.” “It seems the perpetrator became obsessed with the idea of being a secret to all and took part in discussions on Discord in which he inquired about other people’s experiences being a riddle with no solution. Several of his classmates have even come forward to suggest that he appeared to be both someone and no one at all during the time they knew him.” Sources went on to confirm that Crooks clearly never found any satisfactory answers to his search queries, as there was hardly anything mysterious about being yet another American who sought instant notoriety and had access to an assault rifle.

ACWORTH, GA—In an effort to prepare for a “devastating” outcome, terrified conservative Clayton Hawkins told reporters Wednesday that he was planning to move to 1930s Austria if Donald Trump lost the presidential election. “I swear to god, if Kamala Harris wins in November, you can bet I’m getting a one-way ticket to…

POCATELLO, ID—After an electrical issue brought the carousel to a halt, witnesses reported that guests at local theme park Pioneer Amusement Center were trapped Thursday for a harrowing six hours on a stuck merry-go-round. “I can’t explain to you how frightening it was to be suspended two feet off the ground on a…

BUTNER, NC—In their latest attempt to have the “Ignition (Remix)” singer’s 2022 conviction for child pornography overturned, attorneys for disgraced R&B star R. Kelly petitioned the U.S. Supreme Court on Monday to watch him pee. “Today we ask the court to grant review in this case so that Mr. Robert Kelly is given the opportunity to pee in front of the honorable justices while they watch,” defense attorney Jennifer Bonjean wrote in a petition for certiorari, noting that R. Kelly had already filed a preliminary motion for the exposure of his penis in open court. “It is our belief that the federal judiciary should not infringe upon the defendant’s right to spray his golden shower before the bench. To deny this appeal would be to undermine the First Amendment’s guarantee of free expression as it applies to Mr. Kelly’s exercise of limitless, unfettered pissing at any time and place of his choosing.” At press time, sources confirmed R. Kelly’s lawyers had withdrawn the petition at their client’s request after he discovered all nine Supreme Court justices were above the age of consent.

The recent passing of Ethel Kennedy, the matriarch of the famous Kennedy clan, ends a chapter on one of the greatest American political stories. Mrs. Kennedy was the widow of former U.S. Senator and U.S. Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy.